deadbydawn (argali666) wrote,

hello the real me

god, megadeth got real lame back in the early 90's...then again so did pretty much everyone else.

it's been awhile since i updated...i really haven't had much to say. I'm still driving the "murder-mobile" which may soon be renamed the "dead-mobile" as in the "no-longer-working-mobile"

new job in the works...i think...i hope...a friend of mine who was supposed to pull some strings at the City of Circuits kind of either forgot about getting me hired or was wrong all along and decided to fade out of the picture to maybe save face... in any event I've got to leave domino's, i think my job and my car along with lack of motivation/psyching myself out of things has really started to give me a complex.

I want to do something in my life that means something...I guess everyone does. I was listening to "Touched By an Angel" on the radio because I'm a nerd, and would rather listen to a shitty drama about "god" and such than the current choice of music by some suits in New York. ....

anyway...most people want to know that their life meant something before they died...and I can already look into my own life and know that there's really nothing to look forward to or look behind as a means of personal goals or otherwise.

i've never been good at anything....the best thing i've ever done was acquiring stephanie as a significant other...and maybe that will be my only "claim to fame"

maybe i lack motivation...or inspiration...or self confidence...or d) all of the above. I want to start a project, that will mean something...if only to me...because nothing i've done, at least in recent years has ever been enough to satiate my will. I don't know why, but I can't ever seem to live up to my own expectations...and i always feel as though I let people down...or especially myself.

I was thinking of maybe writing a script for a tv pilot..or maybe a movie, or maybe even some short stories or something...but it wouldn't ever suffice...I once tried to write a book in high school. It was kind of a "confessions of a serial killer" story, with graphic detail of a madman, lashing out at enemies...but it seemed pointless...seemed too circular, unoriginal...worded like a retarded monkey was handed a pen...

I ripped every page up, and threw it away...I had completed about 3 chapters, and was not satisfied with any of it.

I've started projects before, I was writing a memoir sort of thing...and that went no-where...i think it was a high fidelity kick, and i wanted to capture the memories of ex-girlfriends and whatnot...

frankly i'd rather forget most of them...and strangely have forgotten some...

I miss being in high school somewhat, things were easy...everything was paid for...all you had to do was attend and hope that nobody got too pissed off at you.

I don't know..

Its odd how friends sometimes come and go...only a year ago, i was talking to people every week at least, and now they don't really seem to exist...not in my life anyway

Maybe i will start on some grand project...who knows...i'm sure i'll throw it away or delete it without hesitation...then regret it oneday...never knowing if it was the best thing i could do or if i sold myself short once again
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