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Friday, April 16th, 2004
2:23 am - Hmmm...
I'm getting this feeling tonight...
like i'm not even here...
i don't know what else to say
my world is in the red
i don't even know what that means....
i'm tired, but i don't know if i can sleep...
i don't know if i want to sleep
i don't know where i'm going...
i don't know what i'm doing
i'm just unsure of a lot of things right now
i keep getting reassurance...
but i don't think its working at the moment...
maybe its just a phase
maybe i need to just fall asleep and wake up in a week or two

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Friday, March 26th, 2004
11:10 pm - i thought for sure "Fuck" or "Fucking" would be on the list...
i297 just45 about28
to229 or45 stephanie27
the186 on44 people26
and173 for42 do25
a153 be41 as25
it96 don't40 get24
of93 so40 want24
my90 but39 out24
in81 with38 this24
is75 not37 when22
that69 up34 going21
i'm62 if33 really20
you58 all32 think20
was57 like32 had19
at56 have31 its18
me49 know30 now18
LJ Word Count (Beta!) by hutta

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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
2:53 pm - Don't you hate it when you spend $40 on a whim
well it was a school related whim...at first...

then of course i had to browse the premesis of the local Barnes and Noble booksellers...and of course i found the latest issue of Fangoria (which to me seemed superior this month than Rue Morgue - i don't care what gray says...) and i bought a book about the most evil men and women in history (includes Caligula, Idi Amin, and Attila the Hun to name a few) and tada...

anyway...

i said i'd start updating more often...and its, maybe working?

i don't know...

a few things/people i could do without:
- anyone who has scratched off the letters on the back of their toyota pickup truck into YO or something equally lame
- anyone selling religion...period
- reality tv (enough is really enough)
- NBC12 holding the exlusive right to WB programming in Richmond
- not enough stomach room for sesame chicken
- any test or quiz that is not open note/textbook (well this would just be convenient)
- "Bring it on!" ...shut the fuck up John Kerry, only pro wrestlers need catch phrases
- of course anyone who supports the alleged "War on Terror"
- Donald Trump trademarking the term "You're Fired"

this list could go on and on...but I was thinking about this on the way to school today...which as a reminder to myself....
ahem..
Always remember your books before you leave the house!
Always remember your books before you leave the house!
Always remember your books before you leave the house!

three times equals addition to memory banks...

Circle Takes the Square is coming soon...i should go...
Circle of Dead Children is coming w/ Phobia soon....refer to the above statement...

lots of circle bands...

all we need now is the Circle Jerks and Inner Circle (of COPS fame)

alright...rambling needs to cease...

oh yes...by the way...

carnivale.org may be giving me increased access...
my rise to global domination is drawing near

or at least to closing threads in more than one forum

current mood: tired

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Friday, March 12th, 2004
2:37 am - How is it...
That I fail to update my journal for 6 months...yet people still continue to ask me to join their community....

that's just annoying...

anyhow...I thought I'd touch up on some things...

first...
School is really starting to annoy me...

I know its supposed to help me out in the long run, but i'm getting to a breaking point or something. Maybe i should start taking classes i like at a real college...this place is sort of crooked...

second...
i'm thinking that people really don't like me. Maybe I'm just too apt to speak my mind, and that irritates people. Maybe its that I'm blunt and tend to talk about things that make people see things about themselves, and nobody likes that...me included. I think most of all I need to put the now standard 5 second delay in my brain so something stupid doesn't come out of my mouth at the worst possible time...


oh well...so it goes...until you die..

why is it all of my dreams and aspirations are completely far fetched and unrealistic...

I'd like (and don't laugh) to be involved on some level with a wrestling promotion...doesn't really even matter if its a large one or a local one...i'd like to involve myself in it...not as a wrestler or anything because i'm a huge wuss, and not at all in shape...but on the writing team or maybe as a manager or something (since i have a big mouth and don't know when to shut up...that's a surefire way to get heat)

I'd like to try my hand at open mic night at the local comedy club...but I'm not funny...and i'm too awkward...and nervous to ever attempt it...i've written a few jokes (sort of) but i doubt anyone would really find it funny...some would probably find it more disturbing....

i'd like to write a movie or tv show...Kingdom Hospital is being done all wrong (probably partially because of it being on network television) but that's just a footnote...i would like to write something...even if it were a book or something...I think i'm relatively eloquent at times...but the problem is i'll write something and read it over later and realize its a steaming pile of turd....

true story:
When i was in high school i wrote a "confessions of a serial killer" style book...not in it's entirety, but i wrote a good 6 chapters...until one day i read it and realized that it was too cliche and poorly written...i ripped it up and threw it away......they always say you're your own worst critic...

i think writing is a good idea for someone like me...who always wants to be noticed even if they don't come right out and say it...i sort of crave attention in a odd way...and i don't even understand it. I think part of it is the ADHD, but whatever. For some reason i strive to impress people...even though i don't really care what people think...i'm very opinionated though. which is pretty counterproductive...but i've always got something to say...and writing it down helps...at least in some medium...

i hope you peoples still read the journals...

reply...so i know you're there...(and i'm not talking to you "join me" parasites)

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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
12:59 am - Where's the money Labowski?
Tonight was pretty good...my fantasy football team nailed up the coffin on week 4, making the Program 3-1 (the only loss being to the "Rabbis all the way", in first place at 4-0) in any event...rock and roll to the max...

also sub-sports geekitry, it smells like fall outside and I fucking love that...i mean the air is just crisp and dry, and you can feel winter coming...its fucking metal frankly

stephanie is cute

Friday night's at the house off of Providence is going to be the official movie night...I'm looking forward to that. We've already pseudo established some movies for the weeks to come, Scarface in week 1, and Clerks in week 2 (tentatively). The range of films is not to be limited. I'm thinking in week 3 we go for something like Adaptation, which I thought kicked ass.

Hmmm, I wouldn't mind starting up a band that actually would practice, but I doubt I have the time anyway

oh yeah, school...I haven't been in awhile, but I've got a plan, I think I'm going to just grin and bear whatever grade i'm bound to get, although I'm going to work my ass off this week (i know i've said it before, but this time i have no choice, my moniker is on the line) I just hope that my boss doesn't get insanely pissed that i'm going to have to switch out of friday's shift due to the "makeup day", which is retardedly impromptu

Jeff and Colyn got a new computer, and I want to upgrade mine like you wouldn't believe...I've got extra cash, so i think pricewatch.com may be paid a visit in the near future... a motherboard is certainly a nearby goal...soon I'll have about 2/16's of a working computer (i realize i could've said 1/8, but we're talking about around 16 actual parts, you get the picture...) I'm going to go ahead and shut up now...I just felt like talking and nobody was around...

booyah

oh yeah...
first there was the Road Rage series
then there was the Serial Killer Music series
coming to a cd player near me: Assorted Insanity: Volume 1 - should be an instant classic...tracklist to come

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Thursday, September 25th, 2003
9:37 am - Rock You Like a Hurricane
I am insanely pissed off right now and am contemplating dropping a class and re-taking it sometime in the future....

Alright, for starters, a hurricane kicked Richmond's ass...thereby knocking the power out etc. etc.

My school has two campuses, one is like 15 minutes away (minus traffic), the other is across town and would take over an hour to get to during the morning rush hour. The campus across town is smaller than the campus I attend, and the campus I attend is overcrowded to begin with...so when the power goes out at my campus...what happens? Well, "logically" they decide to move ALL the students to the Innsbrook campus. I decide it isn't worth my time to drive that far to an overcrowded school...so I don't go Tuesday. Wednesday I consider going, and oversleep so I decide fuck it.

Today was a little different though, all last night, and even this morning I checked the local NBC affiliate's site for school closings etc, and my school was not at all listed, as it had been in the days prior. So at 7:20 I make my drive to the normal campus, only to find ZERO cars in the lot...suprise, they're still across town, but this time they didn't tell anyone!

Now I've missed 2 days of one of my classes, potentially a test, and probably missed a research paper's due date, and I more than likely will not be able to make it up. So now I either have to suck it up and take a C or D, work double hard just for a C or B, or try and drop the course to take it again. I'm so fucking pissed right now I can't even explain it...last night i stayed up till 3 working on that paper, and got 4 hours of sleep only to drive to an empty, powerless campus

Also, before I forget...when the fuck did "conserve water" mean: "You guys don't have power? Oh, come over and do all your laundry and take a shower." Because, of course, when we're conserving water, we do everything we normally do concerning water. When I bring this blatant idiocy to my mother's attention she proclaims... "Everyone has to take a shower," and "I had to do the dishes, they were dirty"

I swear people are fucking BRILLIANT

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
4:10 pm - Fantasy Football
Yes, that's right, my life is so abysmal I use fantasy football to help cope. In any event...if anyone wants to join a last minute league it may fill up pretty fast being the night before the season "kickoff"

fantasysports.yahoo.com

leagueid=421904
password=virginia

in other news

James got fired from Domino's. I'm not going to make a big flowery emotional speech or anything, frankly I'm glad. Although I wasn't happy that a person I work with told him I was glad he got fired. Granted I thought he was terrible at his job...but I digress.

-----

My new classes started up today, I think I'll like "college composition" which is more or less a piece of cake english/writing class

I am now going to be referred to, until further notice, as Mr. 4.0 GPA

-----
Stephanie is kind of upset about the idea of staying in Fredericksburg all weekend, and I would be too considering its 400 degrees up there in the shade, and there's nothing to do up there

----

i digress...nothing else to report

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Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
7:46 am - Update...we still have no fucking clue where this guy is
Well, I figured I'd update since I'm getting a little annoyed and lonely at the moment....

Point 1:

My teacher on Monday's and Wednesday's is a fucking asshole. I got a 76 on my last test which is probably higher than average for it.

Point 2:

If I had found a stapler i would've gotten an A on my presentation in class today. We gave an informative/persuasive speech today, I did really well on it, but if I had stapled the stuff together I would've done better, because the only reason I had any points taken off really was due to the disorganization

Point 3:

I've tried calling Stephanie at about 7 different points throughout the day, and the only time anyone has answered it was her roommate. I realize she's got her own life at school or whatever but she didn't tell me when her classes were or anything yesterday so I have no idea if she's in class, dead, or otherwise

Point 4:

I tried taking a nap today between school and work, and it only ended up being like 20 minutes long

Point 5:

I shouldn't care about my job so much, but I do. I think I'm one of the two people at that place that actually do take their job seriously (the other being the manager). We got a new pizza in at work, Philly Cheese Steak, and its fucking good...and its also at a discount right now which is sort of besides the point, but let me elaborate....

I came up to dominos after school and grabbed a little lunch, i paid $8.10 for a large philly cheese steak pizza...half off the normal price...ate it, was very satiated, and went home and napped for 20 minutes.

I get back to work around 5:00, and everything is alright, aside from being hella slow. At about 7:00 a co-worker decides to make himself a Philly Cheese Steak pizza...so he rings it up and it comes to like $5, granted it was a medium but i still said something about it...

"Hey why does that box say just St on it?"
"I don't know, its the code for philly cheese steak"
"No, it's not, I bought one earlier and it said 'philly' on the box"
"I don't know"
"Hey wait, you rang it up wrong, that's just for the steak"
"No its not.."

so i proceeded to show him he was wrong, the entire time he told me i was wrong (incorrectly)

i went to the assistant manager and said

"He rang it up wrong, thats just for the steak, it should be like 7 bucks"
"It doesn't matter"
"Well the food's going to be short at the end of the week"
"The food's always short at the end of the week"
"Well I want my fucking money back..."
"Don't cuss at me, take it up with whoever was running shift"

i am pissed as fuck about that, and granted it was only 2 bucks i lost essentially, but jesus...she wonders why the food's always short and she says quite frankly "it doesn't matter"

I am going to talk to my manager about that, and hopefully something will be done...because first and foremost, that one dude doesn't know how to ring it up properly...and secondly an assistant manager shouldn't act like they don't care even if they don't.

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Friday, June 20th, 2003
1:27 am - The Ants Have Won
I haven't updated in what seems like eons, so let me begin with a quick summary

I moved in with my dad to pay him off, and now I only owe him 45 bucks, in any event last week ants began to ravage my room....its possible that its because of all the rain we've been having, or because i leave dirty plates and whatnot in my room. I'm not saying my dad's total lack of respect for his own domicile is fully to blame, but mostly....

I moved back in with my mom tonight, at least partially...I don't have my TV here yet..and the book I was reading is currently in the garage...

anyway..I won the first few battles with the ants, won my room back and there was much rejoicing. However, while I was playing the PS2, Stephanie was sitting on the couch eating a quesadilla, when she finished, she realized there were a SHITLOAD of ants, in a huge line, in front of the couch....well, I readied my bugspray, called my mom and packed most all of my shit...I had already pretty much killed the ones in my room (save the 4 that were still lingering on my computer desk till they met their fate during packing) but I swear it had to have been 30 or 40 just chillin next to the couch...

needless to say I got out of dodge...again I only owe him 45 bucks now...so whatever, its his problem now...not in my room, not my problem

this among other reasons is why I won't live with my dad again...like

1)Plumbing that is going south
2)Roof that needs replacing
3)Trash piling up in the kitchen
4)His meticulous cleaning jobs that I can't touch
5)The "Bill Table" that used to be a dinner table
6)Having to wait until midnight to check my email or do anything else online
7)Hearing him whine about not having any money after having gone out to eat at Outback
8)Having changed a 3 year old vaccuum bag (I'm not kidding)
9)Instead of fixing the heating/air...we swealter and/or freeze while he pays higher electricity bills
10)Cops don't get shot and killed a block away

I think I left out a few, but you get the idea

anyway...

I start school Monday...I'm kinda nervous...thank god my classes are Freshman Orientation and Computer Information Systems. That should lull me right back to the old swing of things.

I have to play basketball in like 6 hours, I should probably sleep...but I have no TV or books so....I can't right now...

ah well..school will be sucky...i'll lose hours at work...but at least I'll be living away from the ants

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Friday, March 14th, 2003
2:18 am - michael moore rules
i just went and saw Bowling for Columbine tonight...

its fucking awesome...and it reminded me i need to go up to canada again soon...also maybe move there within 5 years or so...

alright...enough of useless updates...
peaceout

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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
1:37 am - Oh joy, life has meaning...
so to speak...

4 shows coming that i will want to see...3 badly...

3 badly
Cephalic Carnage & Mastodon May 12th
Ben Folds April 5th
World Inferno Friendship Society March 29th

not so badly
Alabama Thunderpussy on May 3rd

i shall do a dance...and then make a sandwich...

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12:30 am - hello me...meet the real me
god, megadeth got real lame back in the early 90's...then again so did pretty much everyone else.

it's been awhile since i updated...i really haven't had much to say. I'm still driving the "murder-mobile" which may soon be renamed the "dead-mobile" as in the "no-longer-working-mobile"

new job in the works...i think...i hope...a friend of mine who was supposed to pull some strings at the City of Circuits kind of either forgot about getting me hired or was wrong all along and decided to fade out of the picture to maybe save face... in any event I've got to leave domino's, i think my job and my car along with lack of motivation/psyching myself out of things has really started to give me a complex.

I want to do something in my life that means something...I guess everyone does. I was listening to "Touched By an Angel" on the radio because I'm a nerd, and would rather listen to a shitty drama about "god" and such than the current choice of music by some suits in New York. ....

anyway...most people want to know that their life meant something before they died...and I can already look into my own life and know that there's really nothing to look forward to or look behind as a means of personal goals or otherwise.

i've never been good at anything....the best thing i've ever done was acquiring stephanie as a significant other...and maybe that will be my only "claim to fame"

maybe i lack motivation...or inspiration...or self confidence...or d) all of the above. I want to start a project, that will mean something...if only to me...because nothing i've done, at least in recent years has ever been enough to satiate my will. I don't know why, but I can't ever seem to live up to my own expectations...and i always feel as though I let people down...or especially myself.

I was thinking of maybe writing a script for a tv pilot..or maybe a movie, or maybe even some short stories or something...but it wouldn't ever suffice...I once tried to write a book in high school. It was kind of a "confessions of a serial killer" story, with graphic detail of a madman, lashing out at enemies...but it seemed pointless...seemed too circular, unoriginal...worded like a retarded monkey was handed a pen...

I ripped every page up, and threw it away...I had completed about 3 chapters, and was not satisfied with any of it.

I've started projects before, I was writing a memoir sort of thing...and that went no-where...i think it was a high fidelity kick, and i wanted to capture the memories of ex-girlfriends and whatnot...

frankly i'd rather forget most of them...and strangely have forgotten some...

I miss being in high school somewhat, things were easy...everything was paid for...all you had to do was attend and hope that nobody got too pissed off at you.

I don't know..

Its odd how friends sometimes come and go...only a year ago, i was talking to people every week at least, and now they don't really seem to exist...not in my life anyway

Maybe i will start on some grand project...who knows...i'm sure i'll throw it away or delete it without hesitation...then regret it oneday...never knowing if it was the best thing i could do or if i sold myself short once again

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Thursday, November 21st, 2002
3:34 am - i am jack's smirking revenge
...well no i'm not, but this is the first time in literally months that I've updated.

lets see,
what did you people (assuming you pay attention) miss....

well i saw 2 sweet ass shows
Today is the Day and Cephalic Carnage...
although Cephalic Carnage was the only saving grace to the entire show....i swear December and Crematorium were terrible...(december moreso) but the singer had a sweet looking beard, so i guess all was not lost in musical ineptitude.

hmmmm
stephanie is still, by far, the most beautiful marvelous person on the face of the planet, and so it shall always be...

i'm 22 now, and i don't feel any older

although i do need a new job, one with real benefits, and a real schedule, and shifts that end at 5

yeah...i have acid reflux...i think, hence the need for benefits, not that my knees haven't caused enough trouble over the years to warrant it, but you get the idea...

i moved back into my dad's house...and have to buy food again...

the miracle part of this grand idea, is that i can afford it this time! I'm not starving and now that i've moved from my dad's (weighing 145-50) to my mom's (weighing 185-190) i'm back into my dad's (weighing in at a slimmer trimmer 175)

my theory is, i was damn near anorexic at my dad's, so when i was able to eat, i overdid it, and my stomach was like "yo bitch, watch it"...now it's evened out

plus i've been trying to eat a little less since i eat so much crap


hmmm

anyway...
Mastodon and Stinking Lizaveta are playing saturday....i think its a late show, i think i'm going, but i really want to hang out with stephanie :(
i guess it only matters if it not a late show...cause if it is, i'll get off work at 10 and go
if not...i'll be working during the show...

hence...no gameshow..

anyway

i've got to stop typing before my mind deteriorates even more than it has thus far...

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Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
10:37 am - i'm not in a great mood right now
i have been waiting 37 minutes (approximately) since my phone cut off for you to get online, so i could tell you i love you before the end of the day....but i guess you're not getting online

it makes me sad...

but anyway...since i haven't updated in awhile i guess i shall...

i saw World Inferno Friendship Society last night with Diesel, and it was hella fun...

aside from seeing your ex girlfriend and having that put a damper on the show as a whole..

milemarker wasn't all that good...but whatever...

i'm bored and i really want to talk to stephanie..

starting to get annoyed...but oh well...i just feel really distant from things right now...

not happy

music - world inferno - bridgewater astral league

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Thursday, September 12th, 2002
10:58 am - bad high school drama
people are fucking stupid, i think i'm going to just hang out alone for awhile....i don't know what to think....everyone is always turning shit around on me, i don't know if i care about anything anymore

i just want to hybernate and/or hurt someone

if you ever opened your mouth
we might be in different places now
should use that in a song...

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Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
12:54 am - i wasn't going to update on this
so sunday was a huge fucking disappointment...

panda is until further notice always off...

how is it that "everyone showed up a little late so we left a little later than usual" is supposed to be relevent when nobody waited for my ass...

stephanie and i ate by ourselves sunday, and when we left, i could've cared less about telling dave and gray and etc. goodbye...

you know, if i wanted to have dinner with my girlfriend on a sunday night i could do it a few blocks from my house, and not drive downtown.

i started feeling a bit distant from the "crew" awhile ago, but it was never more apparent that nobody gave a shit about my inclusion at panda.

you know what, whatever...you guys go and do what you want, i have a life outside of your little social circle, and it might not be much, but if i can't count on you to even wait for my arrival to leave for dinner, then what the fuck am i doing trying to commute to your respective part of town...

ah well...you live...you learn...you find things out...you live some more....

i'm counting down the days till i'm living in fredericksburg away from all the retarded drama of richmond

maybe i won't have much going for me when i move there, but honestly what do i have going for me here without stephanie...

until next time

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Sunday, August 25th, 2002
9:45 pm - ....life is no fun
so yeah...how depressed am i?

on a scale of one to depressed...i am breaking the scale...

i keep trying to call stephanie and either nobody is there or someone is on the phone...and i guess it doesn't matter in the long run...but i am really fucking wrecked

i wish i could explain it...since wednesday i've damn near broken down a few times...

i feel so selfish for wanting stephanie to be here..and i feel like i'm smothering her with phonecalls and such...

i just want to be happy again

so i missed panda and ended up working till 9, when i was supposed to get off around 5 or 6, i was supposed to call stephanie at 9, and no dice, i tried again at 9:30, and hopefully she'll be there at ten...if not i guess i'll just go to sleep having only eaten 2 peices of pizza, and half a bowl of cereal...

her being an hour away shouldn't be the end of my world...but i can't help my psychosis...i'm even seeing her tomorrow...

i never knew you could feel in love and all alone at the same time

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Friday, August 23rd, 2002
10:03 am - why do i even bother sometimes
i really should have just stayed at home and fell asleep at midnight...

here it is 4:30, and i'm even more depressed than i was... so i went up to dominos to hang out with the crew...and ryan starts overanalyzing my relationship status, like i haven't already, and i'm just not in the mood for it

as i've stated, every hypothetical thing that he proposed could go wrong, has already gone on in my head tenfold...

i realize stephanie being in college and me being here is a problem...

i realize we're both young and have a lot of room to find other people

i realize stephanie could find someone else, and i would have to deal with it

i realize all these fucking things that people keep telling me, and then tell me i need to hear it.

I almost cried at least 3 times in the past 48 hours...and its not getting much easier, and I realize that one day i may have to abandon my feelings for stephanie and move on...but not today...not any day this week, or this year, or this life if i can help it...

i don't know why people seem to want to keep me in a slump rather than help me out...

i want to talk to dave for a LONG time, to just converse with someone who has been in this position, and treaded through the adversity, and triumphed as much as he has...

maybe i have to be part or half soulless piece of shit to get through this...

i just want monday to hurry up and get here...
i just want 4 years to pass in the next 60 seconds

i just want to sleep

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3:29 am - fuck go.com
you bastards, stephanie sent me an email from college, and i probably won't get it till she graduates!

die you nazi shits!

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12:04 am - a severe beating issued by me
i'm going to start writing some new song/poem material and hope geocities/yahoo doesn't get bought out and decide to delete everything like xoom did.

so yeah...i worked all day...thought about stephanie, tried calling her 3 times, left a message on her probably nonworking voicemail, delivered pizzas and listened to Ben Folds Five

why is it when i'm depressed i tend to listen to emo and folk music and such...am i really that lame? (don't answer that, its rhetorical)

here's to another night of playing ps2 football and falling asleep before midnight

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